


colors on my palette

by midnight_files



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Colors, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:42:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24145327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnight_files/pseuds/midnight_files
Summary: kai counts the memories needed for his canvas.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun - Mentioned, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun - Past; Skimmed Over, Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 11
Kudos: 80





	colors on my palette

**Author's Note:**

> this is for mj.

Kai fits his memories into a palette. He’s no artist, but life is a canvas he can paint on with his eyes closed. Mediums come in the forms of people and Kai finds his favorite in a pair of captivating hazels paired with a dimpled smile.

* * *

When Kai meets him, it’s the end of winter, but the air is still crisp and unrelenting. He remembers the wind nipping away at the tip of his nose and the fabric of his scarf tickling the underside of his chin. He’d forgotten to check the weather and to his luck it begins to rain; he learns then that overcoats provide little protection. 

Shelter comes in the form of a populated coffee shop down the block with an enticing odor of cinnamon mixed with vanilla. Kai’s not a fan of sweets, but he does treat himself to iced coffee—as always, no matter the weather—and a warm croissant. It’s then that the bells to the door chime for the umpteenth time and Kai feels the strands at the back of his neck rise; instead of ignoring the noise, as per usual, he feels compelled to lift his gaze.

Their eyes meet and Kai feels like he’s the protagonist of a cliché romantic comedy because these things aren’t supposed to _happen._ Not to him, at least. However, he finds himself unable to complain when the unnamed stranger walks over to him. His cheeks are rosy from the winter chill and his lips are bruised, on the brink of busting from worrying. 

“Hi,” his voice is fresh, like harvested strawberries coated in morning dew, yet also rich, like red wine served to compliment a dinner for two. Kai’s unable to say anything, but he doesn’t have to because the male continues unhindered, “I’m Soobin.” The tips of _Soobin’s_ ears are coloring quickly and Kai’s cheeks race to match the ruby hue. 

“I’m Kai.” Red becomes the first color in his palette _._

* * *

Soobin is a junior in university, trading dark eye bags for a 4.0 GPA as a biology major. He wants to be a doctor, Kai learns; it’s a dream Kai, himself, had given up years ago. Kai’s certain that Soobin will succeed, though. Unlike him, Soobin has potential and a fervor that doesn’t seem likely to die as easily as his did.

Soobin is also only visiting for spring break. “So much for spring,” the older had joked in between dry coughs, a result of poor fashion choices on several frosty afternoons. Kai had scolded him each time they’d met, but Soobin would flash him that infamous grin—teeth showing and dimples taunting—and Kai would digress.

Somewhere along the lines, Soobin finds himself continuously crashing over at Kai’s until the latter’s drawers are stuffed with sweaters that are two sizes too big to be his. They don’t think much of it; they’re friends and Soobin’s only staying for five more days. In return for sleeping on Kai’s couch rent free, Soobin is forced to pick up on Kai’s poor sleeping habits. At around 3 in the morning, Kai will get a _spike_ of energy and start pacing back and forth in his bedroom until Soobin stirs awake from the rustling.

Instead of getting angry, Soobin just calls out to him and they sit in the living room staring at each other blankly. Kai feels bad, watching the other slowly drift in and out of sleep, but he doesn’t want to think these thoughts alone. It’s pathetic, how quickly he forgets that he’s been living this long _without_ Soobin in his life, and it’s selfish, how he persistently racks his brain for a topic for them to discuss so that Soobin stays awake.

They usually end up sporadically jumping from underrated artworks to lame jokes to existential crises and other peculiar subjects until the sun begins to rise and Kai feels his eyelids getting heavier and his voice becoming quieter. Warmth meets his skin, lulling him into a haze, and light seeps in through the cracked blinds, illuminating his otherwise dull apartment. 

Soobin’s complexion is pale to the point where Kai can sometimes count the veins on his eyelids when he closes his eyes, but sunrise breathes life into him. His eyes shimmer a mesmerizing golden and his skin _glows_ much brighter than underneath the moonlight. Outside, the horizon is a fiery shade of orange and Kai finds Soobin the prettiest when that’s the scenery he’s standing at the forefront of. 

Dawn becomes Kai’s favorite part of the day. 

* * *

After Soobin returns to Seoul to continue his studies, their late night conversations happen on the phone. Soobin always falls asleep first, while Kai is midway into rambling about something—like how unfair and biased politics can be—and Kai doesn’t have the heart to wake him up. Besides, Soobin’s quiet breathing and occasional sleep-talking somehow soothes him of his worries and elicits his drowsiness.

One night Soobin dreams of the two of them surfing through parallel universes. Kai is moments away from slumber’s embrace when Soobin laughs himself awake and—while trying to calm himself down from hysterics—snaps Kai back into reality. It’s melodious, Kai thinks to himself, as he listens quietly to Soobin snort and chortle until he finally dies down. “Kai?” He calls out, seeming to finally remember that they were on call together.

Kai doesn’t answer, he’s sleepy and doesn’t trust himself with speaking. Soobin waits a few seconds before acknowledging that perhaps Kai has fallen asleep already. “I had a dream,” Kai’s curious as to why Soobin’s telling him about this while he’s fast asleep, but he doesn’t voice his inquiries.

As always, Soobin’s voice is warm and inviting. (Kai even finds his inner voice sounding a lot more like Soobin instead of himself these days.) He can barely make out what the former is saying, only picking up on words that pique his interest like “stars” and “vintage”, and eventually gives up trying to understand. The tone Soobin uses as he outlines his dreams is light and reminds Kai of honey; he can almost _hear_ Soobin’s contagious grin: the pearly whites peeking past a thin upper lip and plump lower lip whilst crescents dig into his plush cheeks. The fond image is the last thing he remembers before he falls asleep and consequently what he meets when he’s unconscious. 

Kai dreams of yellow.

* * *

Kai experiences green vividly.

He visits Soobin the weekend before finals after receiving several requests from Soobin’s roommate, Beomgyu. It’s supposed to be a surprise with the intentions of helping Soobin destress so Kai naturally doesn’t tell him about it.

“I’m on my way,” Beomgyu huffs out when Kai reaches the bus stop; Kai figures he’s racing to get there. He arrives with his boyfriend, Taehyun, and both of them pant out apologies. “We got lost.”

Kai realizes on the way to the campus that they’re exactly how he imagined Soobin’s friends to be: clumsy, sarcastic, impish, yet also funny, pure, and kind-hearted. Beomgyu’s more like Kai, harboring a playful demeanor and a plethora of immature jokes, and Taehyun’s more like Soobin, pristine and polite with a dazzling smile.

When they reach the dorm, Beomgyu grimaces at the sight of the doorknob and Kai wants to question what’s wrong but Beomgyu speaks first, “I forgot my key! Let’s go crash at Taehyun’s for now?”

Kai can espy the way he tries to peel the lime colored post-it off of the wooden door discreetly, but wordlessly turns on his heel to follow Taehyun. Right before they’re about to leave, the door swings open and Soobin stands there, dissatisfied frown tugging on his pouty lips. “Beomgyu, didn’t you see the—”

He stops talking at the sight of Kai who darts his gaze back and forth between Soobin and Beomgyu, confused as to where this sudden tension is originating from. Then it fixates on Soobin, wanting to take in the sight he considers fleeting, and it clicks. There’s a noticeable array of bruises along the column of Soobin’s neck and his hair is messier than usual; Kai’s stomach churns uncomfortably.

“Why are you here?” Soobin asks a bit breathlessly and Kai finds it a bit lame to answer _‘you’_ so he doesn’t.

“For me,” Taehyun lies through his teeth and Kai thinks he imagines the way Soobin’s smile falters at that. “We just thought it’d be cool for him to drop by and say hi to you too though.” They stand there in silence until an unrecognizable voice calls Soobin’s name from inside the dorm room.

“Yeonjun? Really?” Beomgyu asks with a scoff, folding his arms over his chest as he slides himself in between Soobin and Kai; Kai must’ve also imagined the sudden sense of protectiveness emitting from the shorter male. “You told me that you guys were just friends.”

“We are,” Soobin replies defensively, his gaze momentarily searching for Kai’s until Beomgyu snaps at him again. 

“Eyes _here,_ Soobin. You’re not fooling anyone,” Beomgyu says as he gives a pointed look at the tag of Soobin’s forest green T-shirt. He’s wearing the shirt inside out and Kai has to physically force himself to glance away by pretending to occupy himself with his phone. “Is this your definition of studying?” From his peripheral vision, Kai watches Beomgyu exasperatedly wave in the air what he reasons to be the post-it from earlier.

“You told me to destress,” Soobin argues, but his strength is faltering. “He’s helping me destress.”

“Hooking up with your ex is _not_ destressing, Soobin!” Beomgyu shouts and Kai flinches; he’s unsure if it’s because of the volume of the words or the words themselves.

“Fuck off, Beomgyu,” Soobin counters and Kai finally finds the strength to say something. Whether he acts to support Beomgyu or to voice his own anger, he’s uncertain, but the words come out harsh either way. 

“That was rude,” he states firmly with a disapproving glare. “Beomgyu’s just trying to help you.”

“Right and what would a useless college dropout like you know about destressing?” 

Kai’s lips part in shock and he watches as a flurry of emotions flicker through Soobin’s eyes, his facial features contorting into several expressions as he realizes the impact of his own words.

“Kai, I didn’t mean it like that.” A mantra of apologies leave the eldest student afterwards, but they all fall deaf to Kai’s ears. He’s thankful that Taehyun drags him away from the scene because his feet would have remained stuck in place otherwise. The crumpled green sticky note falls forgotten on the floor as Beomgyu angrily shoves Soobin back inside their room, refusing to let him follow them. “Go back to destressing.”

Kai spends the next two nights at Taehyun’s dorm, binge watching netflix shows with his newfound friends, but Soobin still prods at the back of his mind. His words linger. It’s the longest weekend of Kai’s life.

* * *

And blue. 

Kai _feels_ blue. He feels it in the way Soobin breaks down when he finally answers the older’s calls after about two weeks.

It’s navy blue, Kai notes as Soobin’s broken pleas for forgiveness cut through the white noise. “I’m sorry,” he’s void of yellow. “I never meant to hurt you,” Kai can hear the sincerity, but blue is his favorite color. Soobin chokes on another sob, voice reducing to a barely audible whisper, “Please don’t leave me.” Kai misses yellow— _his_ yellow.

Soobin takes him out for lunch after his semester ends. It’s at a Wendy’s and they don’t even manage to get one of the nice booths by the windows, but Kai feels content. He feels happy; he gets the yellow in his life back.

Late at night, when they’re in the middle of comparing each other to Victorian era paintings, Kai contemplates changing his favorite color from blue to yellow.

But then they grow silent and stare out the window together; the relaxing ambience somewhat nurtures them outside of their comfort zones. Through midnight’s cloak, Soobin’s eyes find his and they gravitate towards each other, like they always have.

The kiss is chaste at first, but Kai feels it all the same. He feels light, as if he’s flying—soaring—into cloud nine. Soobin brings him there and higher, their lips meeting again almost desperately with less control and more passion. Blue, light blue—sky, turquoise, cadet—remains his favorite color. 

He’s never felt like this, Kai realizes when they’re huddled up on his bed and comparing hand sizes. (It’s a bit stupid on second thought, since they can barely see anything, but they’re _always_ making poor decisions anyways.) He’s never felt this vulnerable; nobody’s ever come close to making him feel the way Soobin does.

It’s only natural to be scared. They’re two pieces of the puzzle that fit perfectly with one another, but if he messes this—whatever _this_ is—up and loses him, the puzzle will never be whole again. He’ll _feel_ that haunting gap beside him. So perhaps it’s better to stay friends, to pretend none of what had just happened _happened_ , to ignore the hammering in his chest and the way Soobin gives him a breath of fresh air after swimming in the abyss for god knows how long.

Soobin’s fingers intertwine with his and Kai barely registers the reassuring squeeze his hand receives until the pad of Soobin’s thumb brushes over his knuckle gently. Nobody can read him better; of course he knows Kai’s spiralling.

Right before Kai confesses what’s on his mind, Soobin leans in and Kai thinks _fuck it_ when their lips meet again.

He’s not going to deprive himself of blue.

* * *

Kai’s the embodiment of red: fragile, ready to burst, too many emotions at once or none at all, passionate without a sense of what to invest said passion in. Soobin brings him blue: comfort, a quaint solace, the promises of a tomorrow, shelter—a safe haven—from the hazards that lurk. They come in a pair; Soobin keeps Kai grounded and Kai wishes it’s the same vice versa—which Soobin reassures him that he does in his own youthful, yet mellow, way. So they make violet, purple, indigo.

Cosmos flowers and lilacs, heliotropes and bellflowers, they’re all purple and promises of admiration, adoration, infatuation. Kai’s not sure which to give Soobin on his birthday, so he buys a bouquet of them. Of course, he only learns of Soobin’s allergies when the boy’s doubling over in a coughing fit.

It becomes a laughing matter after Soobin stops wheezing like he’s an inch away from death and Kai realizes that they’ve got a lot more they still need to learn about each other. There’s colors they haven’t added to the palette yet.

He learned pink when Soobin had stammered to ask him out, white when Soobin had gone star-gazing with him and picked one to name after them, grey when Soobin had accidentally killed their pet fish, peach when Soobin argued that it was a shade of brown—Kai had learned of _that_ through a memory he doesn’t want to resurface—but there were many more to go.

And so, when Soobin leans in to rest his forehead against his, Kai watches the fireworks bloom in his dark irises and smiles.

Their canvas would be complete in due time; for now, they remain each other’s mediums for filling in their shared palette. 

**Author's Note:**

> hi! as always, i would love to hear your thoughts or feedback on this! thank you guys for reading and i hope you enjoyed. i'm not sure if i executed this idea well enough, but,,, i hope it wasn't too bad KJSDKJ.
> 
> [ twt. ](https://twitter.com/kaifiIes)


End file.
